a friend pointed out that i laugh everytime something bothers me. when i look like im going to cry or get pissed off, he says i shake my head and laugh. is that normal? he says i hide my eyes behind sunglasses when im uncomfortable or dont want to be seen. is that normal? i thought i was done hiding and running away...why didnt i see that i just got better at it? why am i still afraid to face emotions when i feel them? isnt it good that i feel them? all this time, ive been thinking that i just burnt out, that i wasnt capable of feeling things, but i realized that i am, i just dont let myself. is that the same thing? which is worse? not being able to feel, or not letting yourself feel? they both seem self destructive. so often i think i have things under control, but do i? i know im stable...but my personal relationships with people...well honestly, i fuck them up real well because i couldnt let them in, i was disattached...distant always. people cant throw things as hard and things dont hurt as bad when you keep a distance. i think ive closed that distance somewhat with at least one person...and it feels good. i like it, but im scared. that distance seems so safe right now...wheres my sunglasses??
im drooling...the whole left side of my face is numb...damn dentist...damn refillings.
i lost touch with a lot of people. i have regrets now. i dont think i did things right at all. in fact, i did them wrong...and im sorry. sorry to the people i cut off, the ones i let go, the ones i drifted from. it makes me sad...i know i lost. i think its too late...but they say its never too late. but im too tired to try...too damn tired to care.