i apologize for not writing in the blog- i'm sure my fans have been heartbroken by my absence and i promise to be more consistent in the future. so i repeat, all you disconcerted love struck ladies out there, looking for their nctg-blogger hunk to return, do not fear- he's bringing the pimp juice back to the masses for all of your enjoyment.

usually following my self-glorification soliloquy, i speak on something profound... today's instance is chicken. i put it in my salad last night and the result? a vast improvement on the prosaic lettuce-cheese-crouton concoction i usually construct.

so yeah, uh... chicken is good. pretty profound stuff, eh? yeah, i can see all you female bloggers out there sweatin'.

Sally: He's back, he's back, he's back!!! My dry month, my season in hell is over!
Skipperetta: Finally! And get this, he's talking about chicken! I love it when he talks poultry to me!
::Sally and Skipperetta squeal!!::
Samantha: I dunno... I don't think he's that great... I mean, chicken? WTF?
::Sally and Skipperetta soundly beat Samantha into a bloody pulp::

let me see, let me see... how can i be even more pompous and egotistical? hmm... i think i'm about tapped out. i guess i could just elaborate and tell you that Sally and Skipperetta are both ridiculously gorgeous and come around to my room at all hours of the night, begging to be let in. but that's just gilding the lily. y'all know what's up. (small disclaimer: this, of course, is all very tongue in cheek. i would never let the world know that two women are always throwing themselves at my doorstep. no! i keep that kind of stuff a secret.)

::audience stares in silence as crickets are heard in the background::

i interpret your silence as a pregnant pause as you meditate on the vast coolness that this entry has become. i know what you're saying- "how many drafts did this take?" "are you telling me that he railed this off in one sitting?" "does he use the same editor that Nobakov used??" well... these secrets are my own. perhaps one day, should you read my blog with a respectful mind, and throw enough money in my direction, i will impart these gifts unto you. yes, little grasshoppers, go in peace. rest assured, for your blog sugar daddy is back in action. booya!"

(An Apology from Faye: For those of you who had to endure reading this painful process, I sincerely apologize. Really, when I said, "Ian, you can use my blurty to expel some of your inner demons", I did not expect this... monstrosity. Counseling and tissues will be provided in the back. For those who need showers, there will be facilities to your right, down the hall. Again, I apologize.)

(Ian's Retort to Faye's Apology: What the hell? I don't understand! Why? Why the apology?? When Michelangelo presented his fresco to the Pope, did he say, "Here's this masterpiece, Pope. Oh, and uh... I'm sorry?" Of course not!! Spontaneous works of genius require no apology! They should be heralded with wreaths and shit. I guess. ...I could use a shower too, but I'm still trying to find "the back". Does this blog have a "back"? Mine sure doesn't. If so, where can I download a satisfactory "back"? Okay. End of retort. Stop basking in the glory of this prose.)